Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
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Proofread twice, hang posters once
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
The asteroid..
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.