When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
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If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
Well. That’s not a good sign.
[first episode of tv show]
Guy: Hi
Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.