After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
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How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.