Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
You Might Also Like
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—
7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
This might be the funniest tweet ever
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…