[God creating octopus]
Angel: We’re outta teeth. You gave too many to the sharks
God: Crap. What’s left?
A: ink & suction cups
G: Hmmm..
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I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
16- *getting ready for work* I have a job now so I’m basically an independent adult
Me- Your pants are inside out
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
the rocks need my help
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.