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I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
absolutely not
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.