*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
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if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
Friday night party time 🥳
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”