“What movie?” 🤔
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No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?
Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator
Me: *puts book down*
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.