It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
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Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this