Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
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30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.
But with a hell of a lot more swearing.
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
Safety first
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.
I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—
My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???
Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy
[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”
Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]
(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name