I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
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mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
I told my vodka about you.
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
TEETH IS INNOCENT
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace