me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
You Might Also Like
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.