click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
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Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]
[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.