*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
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Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
[montage of me giving-up]
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?
ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!
DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?
The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me