8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
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Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
San Francisco has too many rules
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.