If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
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Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”
Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”
Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”
*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…