Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
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I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
I broke a tooth eating a carrot. I’ve never broken a tooth while eating a donut.
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM