Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
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Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
I am crying
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
#CatsOnTwitter
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”