put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
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My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
#DidYouKnow?
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
What even happened today?
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go firstDate: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?
Me: Should male sheep be called heep?
Another day another dollar.
~ World’s slowest counterfeiter
hey can I use your bathroom?
cashier: only paying customers
jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week