Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
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Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
Rambo Rambow
singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*
me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!
friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.