Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
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Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.
Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .
Doormats are a gateway rug.
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised