My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
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Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.