ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”
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COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
I’d … I’d rather not.
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.