I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.
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nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
Peace was never an option
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.