I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
You Might Also Like
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
War & Peace
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”