Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
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Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
This is me 🤣🤣
There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??