My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
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Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
Get in loser we’re going crying
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.