Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
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Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
ME, 10: I want a big mansion
ME, 20: I want a cool apartment
ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
yeah not falling for this one
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!