[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes
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ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping
What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
*accidentally click on internet explorer*
Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.