Did you hear what happened when the local theater stopped paying the heat bill?
Coldplay.
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Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”“It’s 25 carats…”
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.