2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
You Might Also Like
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?
Prince Charming: This is my real name
Doc: Right
Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*
Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!
Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady
Prince Charming:
Grumpy: Charming indeed
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done
A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.