I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts
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Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
the pigeons are already plenty salty
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
dads on road-trips be like
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog
ME: Ok
[next week]
THERAPIST: Well?
ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.