[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
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“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
#parenting
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.
4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
[the middle of showering] I need a break
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
dads on road-trips be like
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.