Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
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*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
Fight
She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
Meow
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
This rocks
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]