my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
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me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
I have never related to anyone more.
I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.
Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.
I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.