Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
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Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
[first day in hell]
Satan: WELCOME TO ETERNAL HELLFIRE!
Me: ugh, thank god, my feet are freezing
Satan: HAHAH- what?
Me: *cuddling under a burning blanket* so cozy
Satan: wait, where did you get the hot cocoa?
Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”