Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
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I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’