I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
You Might Also Like
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
crochet youtube is brutal
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?