Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
You Might Also Like
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*
“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”
[5 minutes later]
*Throws refrigerator out window*
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
Goat cheese is for herders.
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
I don’t hate children, just yours.
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.