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H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
To whoever started playing Jumanji in 2016, please finish your game. This is getting out of hand.
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.