we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
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Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
Its a hippotatomus
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.