Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
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serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
DOOO EEEET
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.