i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
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I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:
1) Know when to hold em.
2) Know when to fold em.
3) Know when to walk away.
4) Know when to run.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
*unsubscribes from newsletter*
*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*
*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?