It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
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Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
No, you typed your password instead of the amount in the payment window.
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.