chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
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Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
THERAPIST: In healthy relationships, couples aren’t afraid to ask questions in the bedroom
ME (having sex): babe what’s the capital of azerbaijan?
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
Microplastics are a waste of time. I’m going straight to eating whole milk jugs
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing
CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor