As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
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Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
Marrying a trad wife only to find out she is too busy creating trad wife content to cook and clean
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
[car accident]
Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!
Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?
[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”