Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
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this is so top tier i cant
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
describing stardew valley
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?
ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?
HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.