Me trying to “trust the process”
You Might Also Like
[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.