[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
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[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
This is the one
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.S:
D:S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?S: MOM! Come get your husband.
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
How can I say no to this ?
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”