Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
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Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…